My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
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Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.