Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men