bout dat hot dog summer
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me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.