recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
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One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…