*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
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Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
when you don’t want to be too vague
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.