ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
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If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.