Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
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Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.