Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
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Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
My birthstone is kidney
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all