therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
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No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.