“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.