annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
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In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
3% human
97% stress
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
They must have gotten it to go.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead