me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
You Might Also Like
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification