My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
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I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
NASA has no chill
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102