[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
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[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us