[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
You Might Also Like
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
True.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.