So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
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Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
buys donuts instead
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
i hope my email finds you on fire
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Birds & Planes.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures