Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
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“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
asked my bf how work was today
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
The two types of wives
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.