I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
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9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Wikigenius
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.