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At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Google assistant rules
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
accurate
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt