Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
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My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”