[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
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(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?