I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
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the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on