HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
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Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Monday
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.