me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.