day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
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I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.