BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
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A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Terribly Tuesday.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”