hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
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If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.