The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
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My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.