If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss