I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*