My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
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japanese corn
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Probably my best painting.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.