Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
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Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but