Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
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I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
According to math, I’m broke
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
fly smarter, not harder
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late