principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
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Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.