PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
You Might Also Like
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.