Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
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Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry