“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
cry laughing at this shit
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet