Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
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Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.