Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
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*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Still my favorite headline of all time:
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*