I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
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Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.