Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
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Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Who did it better?
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess