Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
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I know karate and tons of other words.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Real House Wines.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.