Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
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Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
i’m sure it’s fine
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
This is enough internet for the day.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*