Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
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A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*