bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
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Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Mornin. * use accordingly
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.