[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
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*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..