Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
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sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Ken is short for chicken
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.