OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
There’s never enough good news
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*