God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
You Might Also Like
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
🚲+physics = winner
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Worlds greatest photobomb
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.