When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
You Might Also Like
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
My dad teaching me to drive
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I told my vodka about you.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”